14 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

If you feel like your sex life isn't what it used to be, then this handy guide will show you how to spice things up in the bedroom.

Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Social Psychologist, researcher at The Kinsey Institute
by Dr. Justin Lehmiller Last updated 12/06/2023
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Learning how to spice up your sex life might help bring more excitement to the relationship. While sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, it's still something significant that shouldn't be neglected.

According to research, it helps to strengthen the bond between partners and create long-term relationship satisfaction.

If you're unsatisfied with your partner right now, it could be because you're not having enough exciting sex. Before getting into different ways to spice up sex, it's important to get a deeper understanding of why it's important.

Why Spice Up Your Sex Life

Research shows that while satisfaction usually goes up during the first year a couple is together, it typically begins a slow and steady decline after that.

Humans are “wired” for novelty, and that might be particularly the case in the bedroom.

Having sex with the same person can naturally start to feel routine after a while. In some cases, couples end up not having sex for months or even over a year.

Thankfully, this doesn’t mean that your sex life is doomed forever. If you’re willing to put in a little effort, you can spice up your sex life and make the bedroom exciting again.

Use these tips to set off on the path to ongoing excitement and pleasure. Spicing things up may be just what's needed to increase the amount of sex in the relationship again.

How to spice up your sex life

1. Change up your sex positions

Perhaps the simplest trick you can do to spice up your sex life is changing your sex positions. By switching up to new positions, you can adjust the depth and speed of penetration and hit different erogenous zones.

Take a look at our list of 12 sex positions that can help make sex last longer. Find a new one you haven't tried and give it a shot.

2. Bring in the accessories

Some guys think that using sex toys or other adult products during sex somehow implies that they aren’t “man enough”, but that's not true at all.

Sex toys - like porn - are a novelty that many couples enjoy together, and research shows that couples who use toys with one another tend to be more sexually satisfied.

Sex toys can spice things up in the bedroom by offering new forms of stimulation.

They can also be used to help close the orgasm gap between men and women. When it comes to sleeves there are two classifications:

  • Masturbation sleeves
  • Penis extender sleeves

Masturbation sleeves are, well just, what they sound like. It is a soft, usually silicone sleeve that goes over the penis during masturbation. 

Penis extender sleeves are still pretty straightforward, but do have a couple of variations that are worth noting:

  • Ball straps: Some sleeves come with ball straps to help keep the device from slipping off.
  • Vibrating: These are good for men with erectile dysfunction as well as providing the maximum amount of pleasure to your partner.
  • Textured: Textured sleeves can come in a variety of combination. Inside texture, outside texture, or both.

Look into desensitizing sprays as well. These sprays temporarily make the penis less sensitive, allowing for longer lasting sex

They're primarily made with lidocaine and benzocaine so they are generally well tolerated.

Climax control sprays like Promescent are safe and effective and when used as directed won't likely transfer to your partner. 

Additionally, lubes can really help spice things up in the bedroom.

Without sufficient lubrication, sex can be uncomfortable for both partners. Long-lasting lubes that decrease friction can make sex more pleasurable.

This is especially important if you have a partner who has issues with vaginal dryness or pain during sex. Research shows that lube can be an effective way of dealing with these problems.

Lubes also come in different varieties—some are flavored, while others are designed to provide warming or tingling sensations.

  • Silicone
  • Water-based
  • Oil-based
  • Edible
  • Organic
  • CBD
  • Flavored
  • Warming or buzzing

Explore, experiment, and have fun!

3. Take care of your health

No matter what accessories or novelties you’re bringing into the bedroom, if you’re not taking care of yourself outside of the bedroom, they might not accomplish your desired goal.

Lifestyle factors—including diet, exercise, alcohol consumption, and smoking—are among the primary causes of erectile dysfunction.

Changing your lifestyle isn’t just good for your overall health, but it can also give you harder, stronger erections.

In fact, studies have shown that losing weight alone can actually reverse erectile dysfunction in many men.

As part of a healthy lifestyle, you might also consider a male supplement designed to support your cardiovascular function.

4. Create the right atmosphere

Creating a relaxed atmosphere is critical to having a great sex life - the more comfortable you and your partner feel, the easier it will be for everyone to have a good time.

Research backs this up: couples who take more time to set the scene or establish a mood are more sexually satisfied.

Start by dimming the lights. Having sex in total darkness means you can’t look into each other’s eyes or enjoy the visuals.

But at the same time, having sex in a brightly light room can make some people self-conscious.

Strike a happy medium and dim the lights or light some candles. You might even consider some scented candles for additional ambiance.

Also, look into cleaning the sheets. Dirty ones aren’t an aphrodisiac, nor is a messy bedroom.

Familiarity can make us lazy or complacent, and many people don’t put in as much effort to create an inviting sexual environment in a long-term relationship.

However, if you make an effort just like you did back when you were single, you’ll likely find that sex happens more often.

Think of it this way, just because you’re married or living with your partner, this doesn’t mean you should stop dating them.

5. Create pleasure for all of your senses

Sex is a multi-sensory experience. It’s not just about touch and physical sensations.

It’s also about what you can see, smell, taste, and hear.

Think about ways you can capitalize on all of this:

  • Sexy underwear, or cosplay
  • Scented massage oil
  • Flavored lubes or condoms or bringing food/wine into the bedroom
  • Playing some music in the background

You don’t have to do all of these things at the same time, of course—just think about how you can capitalize on all of your senses (and your partner’s senses) to take your sex life to another level.

6. Flirt like a single person

Do you and your partner still flirt like you used to? If so, great! If not, it might be time to bring it back because it can help to keep the passion alive.

Flirting isn’t just about sexual overtures—it’s about demonstrating your overall interest and investment in the other person, which means that non-sexual behaviors matter, too.

Think random acts of love, such as:

  • Surprise flowers
  • Candy
  • Date nights
  • Spontaneous vacations
  • Spa Day

Or, take some tasks off of your partner’s plate when they have a lot going on or seem to be stressed.

These types of things can help you to stay emotionally connected, which is one of the main ingredients to passion in an LTR.

7. Discuss your fantasies

Almost everyone has sexual fantasies—and has them frequently.

However, many of us have never shared these fantasies with a partner, let alone acted on them.

This might be preventing us from getting everything we want from our sex lives.

Research finds that the couples with the happiest sex lives are more likely to share and act on their sexual fantasies with each other, which speaks to the importance of sexual communication.

You have to tell each other what you want in order to get it.

Discover ways to share your fantasies! Start a conversation, play a game, or download an app—there are all kinds of ways to spice up your sex life like this.

8. Get daring together

Most people have fantasies about being more sexually adventurous.

While public sex is one of the more common adventure fantasies, we can’t recommend it because, well, it’s illegal.

However, there are plenty of other ways to up the adventure level and spice up your sex life.

For example, some people enjoy using remote-controlled vibrators on each other to keep things interesting.

Some people use these for discreet public play, or for long-distance play.

Others might enjoy bondage or role-playing, both of which can add intrigue and adventure to spice up your sex life.

It doesn’t matter so much what you do as long as it’s consensual, safe, and legal—just find new ways to add sexual thrills that work for you.

9. Get a hotel room

Sometimes just changing up locations can spice up your sex life that extra bit that it needs.

This can involve having sex in different rooms of the house, or maybe even getting a hotel room.

This can be a little more challenging for couples with kids, but not impossible.

It doesn’t matter where you go—just find an environment where you both feel free and comfortable to be as loud as you want and really explore each other’s bodies.

10. The Art of Sexting

Sexting isn’t just about sending pictures of your junk; rather, it’s about sending steamy messages that will really get them going and show them how irresistible you think they are.

For example, you might talk about:

  • What you want to do the next time
  • Past encounters you’ve had together
  • How much they turn you on
  • Share your fantasies

The best tips on how to spice up your sex life are often somewhat cerebral—you have to put a little thought into them.

So, display the creativity of your brain, which is your biggest sex organ, after all.

11. Leave Sensual Love Notes

Most of us have passed notes or seen notes passed amongst school crushes in class at some point in our lives.

Nowadays we have texting and social media which defeats the purpose but don’t forget this long lost tactic!

If you live with your partner, try leaving random love notes around the house.

This activity will benefit the both of you as you will need to think creatively of what to say that you know will make them smile.. Or horny.

It will benefit your partner by showing them your appreciation and love for them.

This simple task surely goes along way, try it! If you want to get really creative, put it on paper and stick it in the mail.

Maybe even send a sexy gift along with it that the two of you can enjoy next time you have sex to add an extra element of novelty.

12. Plan Time for Sexual Encounters

So there’s this handy dandy thing called a calendar, and it's right there on your phone.

You and your partner can plan ahead and say that next Saturday is the day you’ll both commit to sexy time.

In a survey study of 25,000 couples over four decades, showed that couple who participated in having sex at least once a week were happier than those who did not have sex in the same frequency.

Additionally, planning out time for intimacy give you both something to look forward to and helps you block any incoming appointments, meetups or events other than romantic time with your partner

13. Simple Gifts Worth Giving

Many people in relationships think that gifts need to be extravagant and expensive to express their love.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the ability to frivolously spend on expensive gifts often, which  often leads to no gifts being given at all.

What many couples forget, is that simple, thoughtful gifts have much more impact because you can give them more frequently and they can be super creative.

One idea we heard from an anonymous user was that he had started a journal and had recorded a full year’s list of thoughtful, encouraging, loving things that his wife did throughout the year.

On their anniversary, he gave her the journal as a gift and asked her to read it.

She began balling her eyes out from joy that he had done such a task and it served as a reminder to her that she was loved and appreciated.

Plus, it only costs the man the purchase price of the journal. Sometimes the most impactful things are priceless.

14. Social Media Arbitrage

If you’ve ever surfed through social media post like many do on a daily basis, you know the insanely fun and hilarious post people come up with.

If you follow specific pages like ‘meme’ pages, you can easily find ways to make your spouse laugh.

To take it one step further. There are thousands of pages who showcase erotic imagery and even those who professionally educate the public such as Sex with Emily.

Simply tag your partner in different images and videos that reflect your thoughts and feelings around sex and how you want things to be between you both.

The benefits of a fun sex life

For starters, it's great for your relationship, so it’s important to discover ways to spice things up, and keep things fun and interesting.

In fact, the better sex is, the more often you’ll likely want it.

Sexual satisfaction is strongly linked to shared novel experience, particularly in  committed relationships, so don’t let yourself fall into a rut.

Bring toys into the bedroom and flirt with your partner in ways that excite you both.

Make sure they know how much you appreciate them and how hot they are, and really take your time to explore their body and bring them pleasure.

Mix up the positions you use and bring in some help when needed, such as by using delaying sprays to have better sex and last even longer.

Ideas to spice things up in your sex life don't have to be things that sound crazy or off the wall to you.

Takeaways on How to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Remember that different things work for different people, and that what’s new and exciting to one person might seem a little dull to others.

That’s okay—it isn’t a competition! The important thing is to make an effort and to keep mixing things up.

Novelty is one of the gateways to a happier sex life and relationship. Keep all of these tips in mind the next time you and your partner are in the mood.

You might be surprised how much of a difference it makes to spice things up a little.

Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He is author of the blog Sex and Psychology and the popular book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. He is also a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works, including a textbook titled The Psychology of Human Sexuality that is used in college classrooms around the world. Dr. Lehmiller is one of the media's go-to experts on sex and has been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and CNN; he has also appeared on dozens of radio, podcast, and television programs.


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