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12 Irresistible Tips to Spice Up Your Sex Life

por Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institu...

Social Psychologist, researcher at The Kinsey Institute

How does sexual satisfaction change over time in most people’s relationships? 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but research shows that, while satisfaction usually goes up during the first year a couple is together, it typically begins a slow and steady decline after that.

How does being in long term relationship change sex life

A big part of the reason for this is because people grow bored with sexual routines pretty easily.

Humans are “wired” for novelty in the bedroom, so when people start having sex with just one person and they do it, in the same way, every time, the excitement tends to wear off quickly.

Thankfully, however, this doesn’t mean that your sex life is doomed forever. If you’re willing to put in a little effort, you can transform a humdrum bedroom into a sexual paradise that continually delights you and your partner. 

Use these tips to set off on the path to ongoing excitement and pleasure.

1 - Change up your sex positions

The missionary position is the most common sexual position. 

While it’s great for skin-on-skin contact, kissing, and looking into each other’s eyes, there are so many other positions to explore that can unlock even more pleasure.

What are the best sex positions?

By switching up positions, you can adjust depth and speed of penetration and hit different erogenous zones. Changing positions isn’t just for intercourse, though - different positions for oral sex can be game-changers as well.

Standing

Take your sex to new heights and try sex standing next time. 

Standing opens up a lot of position possibilities! 

While standing might initially seem to pose challenges to those worried about maintaining their balance or partners with drastically different heights, you can usually deal with this by taking advantage of your surroundings. 

For example, you might lean against the wall, or perhaps the receptive partner will kneel on a surface or bend over a counter. 

Standing positions can allow you to use your hands in different ways and experience new angles for penetration, which can create sensations you won't get lying down.

You can also try oral sex where one partner is kneeling below and the other is standing above. Some use this position as a form of power play, but it doesn’t have to have that connotation. 

You can take turns doing it to each other so that you can both feel new sensations.

Doggystyle

After missionary, doggystyle is probably the second most common sexual position. 

Many enjoy it simply because it allows for deeper penetration. However, the penetrative partner may also enjoy it for the view, while the receptive partner may find that it’s easier to stimulate themselves compared to when their partner is on top, which may make it easier for them to reach orgasm.

Some also find it easier and more enjoyable to perform anilingus or cunnilingus in this position.  

Cowboy/girl

In this position, the penetrative partner is lying on their back, while the receptive partner kneels on top and goes for a ride. 

Many find this position to be incredibly hot because, like missionary sex, you can still look into each other’s eyes and have the opportunity to kiss, but you can also see and touch each other in a different way. 

This position also allows the receptive partner more control over depth and speed of thrusting.

Of course, you can also reverse this position by having the receptive partner face the other direction, which offers a different angle of penetration and a different view.

Some people also perform oral sex in this position - sometimes called “face sitting.” Many like it as an easy way to switch up the power dynamic. However, just be careful with the position to ensure the partner on the bottom can still breathe comfortably.

69

Simultaneous oral sex is yet another possibility. It’s not necessarily for everyone because it takes a bit more concentration and flexibility, but many enjoy it. The key is really learning to multi-task: striking the right balance between attending to your partner’s pleasure while also focusing on your own.

Other tips

This isn’t a comprehensive list ofall possible positions, of course. Get creative! Even something as simple as placing a pillow under the receptive partner's rear end can change the angle and depth of penetration. 

Also, when it comes to what we’ve discussed here along with all of the position guides out there on the internet, always be mindful of your own bodies, flexibility, and physical limitations. 

If something is painful or uncomfortable, stop and trying something else—it’s not worth risking an injury.

2 - Bring in the accessories—and take care of your health

Some guys think that using sex toys or other adult products during sex somehow implies that they aren’t “man enough” to do the job, but that's not true at all. 

Should couples use sex toys?

Sex toys - like porn - are a novelty that you and your partner can enjoy together, and research shows that couples who use sex toys with one another tend to be more sexually satisfied.

Sex toys can offer new and different forms of stimulation, but they can also be used to extend the sexual encounter after one partner orgasms (or if one partner enjoys having multiple orgasms).

Sleeves

Masturbation sleeves aren’t just for masturbation—you can bring them into partnered play, too. For example, they can be used during foreplay to assist in providing a handjob, they can be used in between rounds of penetration, or your partner can use it on you while you perform oral sex on them.

Delaying sprays

These sprays temporarily make your penis less sensitive, allowing you to go longer before you climax, which can give your partner a better chance of orgasming through penetration, or help you both to orgasm at the same time.

 Delay sprays are also a fantastic tool for men dealing with premature ejaculation, helping you keep going long past when you'd normally orgasm.

Lubes

If you're looking for ways to spice up your sex life but you're not using lubes, you just might be missing out. 

Lube is your friend, and it can make sex better. 

Without sufficient lubrication, sex can be uncomfortable for both partners, which is why long-lasting lubes that decrease friction can make sex more pleasurable. 

This is especially important if you have a partner who has issues with vaginal dryness or pain during sex—research shows that lube can be an effective way of dealing with these problems.

Lubes also come in different varieties—some are flavored, while others are designed to provide warming or tingling sensations. Explore, experiment, and have fun!

Remember that your sexual health is a function of your overall health

No matter what accessories or novelties you’re bringing into the bedroom, if you’re not taking care of yourself outside of the bedroom, they might not accomplish your desired goal.

Lifestyle factors—including diet, exercise, alcohol consumption, and smoking—are among the primary causes of erectile dysfunction. 

Can losing weight help you have better sex?

Changing your lifestyle isn’t just good for your overall health, but it can also give you harder, stronger erections. In fact, studies have shown that losing weight alone can actually reverse erectile dysfunction in many men. As part of a healthy lifestyle, you might also consider a male supplement designed to support your cardiovascular function in addition to your other efforts.

3 - Create the right atmosphere

Creating a relaxed atmosphere is critical to great sex - the more comfortable you and your partner feel, the easier it will be for everyone to have a good time.

Research backs this up: couples who take more time to set the scene or establish a mood are more sexually satisfied.

Dim the lights

Having sex in total darkness means you can’t look into each other’s eyes or enjoy the visuals, but at the same time, having sex in a brightly light room can make some people self-conscious. 

Strike a happy medium and dim the lights or light some candles. You might even consider some scented candles for additional ambiance.

Clean it up

Dirty sheets aren’t an aphrodisiac, nor is a messy bedroom. 

Familiarity can often make us lazy or complacent, which is why many people don’t put in as much effort to create an inviting sexual environment in a long-term relationship. 

However, if you make an effort just like you did back when you were single, you’ll likely find that sex happens more often. 

Think of it this way, just because you’re married or living with your partner, this doesn’t mean you should stop dating them.

Use all of your senses

Sex is a multi-sensory experience. It’s not just about touch and physical sensations. It’s also about what you can see, smell, taste, and hear. 

Think about ways you can capitalize on all of this, such as by wearing sexy underwear (sight), getting a scented massage oil (smell and touch), using flavored lubes or condoms or bringing food/wine into the bedroom (taste), or playing some music in the background (sound). 

You don’t have to do all of these things at the same time, of course—just think about how you can capitalize on all of your senses (and your partner’s senses) to take sex to another level.

4 - Flirt like a single person

Do you and your partner still flirt like you used to? If so, great. If not, it might be time to bring it back because it can help to keep the passion alive.

How to flirt as a couple

Show your partner that you care

Flirting isn’t just about sexual overtures—it’s about demonstrating your overall interest and investment in the other person, which means that non-sexual behaviors matter, too. 

Think random acts of love, such as surprise flowers or gifts that aren’t tied to a specific occasion. Or offer to take some tasks off of your partner’s plate when they have a lot going on or seem to be stressed. 

These types of things can help you to stay emotionally connected, which is one of the main ingredients to passion in an LTR.

5 - Discuss your fantasies

Almost everyone has sexual fantasies—and has them frequently. However, many of us have never shared these fantasies with a partner, let alone acted on them. This might be preventing us from getting everything we want from our sex lives.

How to communicate about sex with your partner

Research finds that the couples with the happiest sex lives are more likely to share and act on their sexual fantasies with each other, which speaks to the importance of sexual communication. 

You have to tell each other what you want in order to get it.

Find ways to share your fantasies. Start a conversation, play a game, or download an app—there are all kinds of ways you can do this.

6 - Get daring together

Most people have fantasies about being more sexually adventurous. 

While public sex is one of the more common adventure fantasies, we can’t recommend that you do this because, well, it’s illegal. However, there are plenty of other ways to up the adventure level in your sex life. 

For example, some people enjoy using remote-controlled vibrators on each other. Some of these toys can be inserted, while others can be worn around the penis. 

Either way, one partner gets to control the speed and intensity of vibrations via either a remote or an app on their phone. Some people use these for discrete public play, or for long-distance play.

Others might enjoy bondage or role-playing, both of which can add intrigue and adventure to your sex life. It doesn’t matter so much what you do as long as it’s consensual, safe, and legal—just find new ways to add sexual thrills that work for you.

7 - Get a hotel room

Romantic date night ideas

The bedroom is the most common place for sex, but it doesn’t have to be theonly place you have sex.

Sometimes just changing up locations can give sex that extra charge that it needs. This can involve having sex in different rooms of the house, or maybe even getting a hotel room.

This can be a little more challenging for couples with kids, but it just requires a little extra coordination to plan your venue change around times when you have a sitter or when the kids are off to a sleepover.

It doesn’t matter so much where you go—just find an environment where you both feel free and comfortable to be as loud as you want and really explore each other’s bodies.

8. The Art of Sexting

Sexting can be a hot way to remind your partner throughout the day that you're thinking of them…naked. 

This isn’t about sending pictures of your junk; rather, it’s about sending steamy messages that will really get them going and show them how irresistible you think they are.

For example, you might talk about what you want to do the next time you have sex, talk about past encounters you’ve had together that were really hot, tell them how much they turn you on, or share your fantasies. 

The best tips on how to spice up your sex life are often somewhat cerebral—you have to put a little thought into them. 

So, display the creativity of your brain, which is your biggest sex organ, after all.

9. Leave Sensual Love Notes

Write a love note

We’ve all passed notes or seen notes passed amongst school crushes in class at some point in our lives. At the time it seemed like the only means to quick, too the point messaging screaming… Hey I like you!

Whether the note passer succeeded or got his or her dreams shut down, the act of passing the note stirred some giggles and feelings of appreciation.

Nowadays we have texting and social media which defeats the purpose but don’t forget this long lost tactic!

If you live with your partner, try leaving random love notes around the house where you know your partner will see them unbeknownst. 

This activity will benefit the both of you as you will need to think creatively of what to say that you know will make them smile.. Or horny.. It will benefit your partner by showing them your appreciation and love for them.

Think about the excitement you would get from reading a thankful, loving, sexy written note from the love of your life. 

This simple task surely goes along way, try it!

Use the mail

If you want to get really creative, put it on paper and stick it in the mail. Maybe even send a sexy gift along with it that the two of you can enjoy next time you have sex to add an extra element of novelty.

This also fulfills the element of surprise as your partner surely wouldn't suspect the sender to be you!

10. Plan Time for Sexual Encounters

So there’s this handy dandy thing called a calendar. What’s even better is the mobile calendar we all have on our phones.

What better way to ensure your spice up your sex life.

You and your partner can plan ahead and say that next Saturday is the day you’ll both commit to sexy time. 

In fact, this actionable step could boost levels of happiness. In a survey study of 25,000 couples over four decades, results showed that couple who participated in having sex at least once a week were happier than those who did not have sex in the same frequency.

Additionally, planning out time for intimacy give you both something to look forward to and helps you block any incoming appointments, meet ups or events other than romantic time with your partner

11. Simple Gifts Worth Giving

Simples gifts to get your spouse

Have you ever heard that saying, “It’s not about the price, it’s the thought that counts”? 

That saying applies to the act of giving gifts to loved ones.

Many people in relationships think that gifts need to be extravagant and expensive to express their love. 

Unfortunately, not everyone has the ability to frivolously spend on expensive gifts often. This leads to no gifts being given at all.

What many couples forget is that simple, thoughtful gifts have much more impact because you can give them more frequently and they can be super creative.

One idea we heard from an anonymous user was that he had started a journal and had recorded a full year’s list of thoughtful, encouraging, loving things that his wife did throughout the year. 

On their anniversary, he gave her the journal as a gift and asked her to read it. 

He explained that his wife had balled her eyes out from joy and appreciation that he had done such a task and it served as a reminder to her that she was loved and her actions over the year did not go unnoticed.

Did we mention that this gift cost the man nearly nothing other than the purchase of the journal?

Sometimes the most impactful things are priceless.

12. Social Media Arbitrage 

If you’ve ever surfed through social media post like many do on a daily basis, you would know the insanely fun and hilarious post people come up with.

This method is particularly a favorite as it is quite simple and doesnt require much creativity.

If you follow specific pages like ‘meme’ pages, you can easily find ways to make your spouse laugh. 

To take it one step further. There are thousands of pages who showcase erotic imagery and even those who professionally educate the public of various sexual health needs such as Sex with Emily.

A great way to speak to your spouse seductively is through imagery and videos. 

You can simply tag your partner in different images across the net that reflect your thoughts and feelings around sex and how you want things to be between you both. 

The benefits of a fun sex life

Sex is good for us both physically and psychologically. It’s also good for our relationships, so it’s important to find ways to keep sex fun and interesting so that doesn’t become methodical or predictable.

 In fact, the more fun sex is, the more often you’ll likely want it. Sexual satisfaction is strongly linked to shared novel experience, particularly in long-term committed relationships, so don’t let yourself fall into a rut.

Bring toys into the bedroom and find ways to flirt with your partner that excite both of you. 

Make sure they know how much you appreciate them and how hot they are, and really take your time to explore their body and bring them pleasure. 

Mix up the positions you use and bring in some help when needed, such as by using delaying sprays to make the sex last even longer.

Benefits of having more sex

Ideas to spice up sex your sex life don't have to be things that sound crazy or off the wall to you—remember that different things work for different people, and that what’s new and exciting to one person might seem a little dull to others. 

That’s okay—this isn’t a competition!

The important thing is to make an effort and to keep mixing things up. Novelty is one of the gateways to a happier sex life and relationship.

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Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He is author of the blog Sex and Psychology and the popular book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. He is also a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works, including a textbook titled The Psychology of Human Sexuality that is used in college classrooms around the world. Dr. Lehmiller is one of the media's go-to experts on sex and has been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and CNN; he has also appeared on dozens of radio, podcast, and television programs.


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