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A Man's Guide to Be Better in Bed: 10 Sex Tips

by Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Dr. Justin Lehmiller

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Are you frustrated because your sexual performance isn’t where you want it to be? Are you having good sex, but wish you were having great sex instead?

The question of how men can get better in bed isn’t discussed nearly enough, and it’s time to change that.

A lot of guys incorrectly assume men are either naturally gifted in the bedroom or they aren’t; however, that simply isn’t true.

Just like every other activity in life, sex is something you can get better at with a little research and a lot of practice. The results you want are within your reach.

So how can you get them? Here are ten ways that pretty much any guy can get better in bed.

First, Believe You Can Be Good in Bed

You have to believe you can be better in bed before you can improve.

If you’ve already bought into the idea that there isn’t a solution to a disappointing or boring sex life, you don’t stand a chance of things getting better.

The old saying,“Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re probably right,” is true both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Saying you can’t is just another way of saying,“I give up,” or,“It’s not worth trying.”

The underlying reasons for bad sex or boring sex often take courage not just to discover, but also to change. The components of what makes for great sex (or, conversely, what makes for bad sex) can be complicated, too.

Usually, it’s a blend of many factors including physical health, mental health, relational health, and technique.

Addressing all of these takes time and effort, but the end result will be well worth your time.

So, as you look to get better in bed, recognize first that there are solutions out there. Next, figure out how to apply them in your own life.

Youcan be good at sex even if you’re disappointed right now. And no matter how skilled you are, there are always ways to become even better.

Abandon Unrealistic Sexual Expectations

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Be realistic with your partner about your sexual expectations.

Hollywood sex scenes and the type of sexual expression you find on the Web don’t offer an accurate depiction of real sex. While you might find them to be a turn-on, recognize that they aren’t “how-to” guides for sex.

Unfortunately, a lot of people look at them as a reflection of reality, or of what sex is “supposed” to be. The result is that people often set expectations for their partners and sex lives that inevitably end in disappointment and hurt feelings.

There are a lot of unfair expectations and pressures placed on us when it comes to sex, and this is especially true for women. A recent study highlights this point by demonstrating how good sex and self-esteem are connected in women.

The more confident you both are that you can meet each other’s needs, the better the sex will be.

So how do you begin to separate out “porn sex” from “real sex?”

Start by putting everything in perspective. Recognize that what you see in the media is just entertainment—not education.

Also, keep a balanced perspective: just because sex in real life isn’t quite like the hot stuff you see in the movies, this doesn’t mean you can’t still have exciting sex. It just means you’ll need to work a little to find a happy medium, and this means realizing that not everything you see in porn has to become a part of your sex life.

The keys to exciting sex are different across individuals and couples, so you’ll need to find what works for you and your partner.

By all means, read what the experts have to say, and consider professional advice from a therapist if you’re really struggling—but at the end of the day, there’s a lot you’ll have to figure out and negotiate on your own with your partner.

Be Kind to Your Partner

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How you treat your partner outside the bedroom matters when it comes to how they treat you in the bedroom.

When researchers survey people about the most important traits in a romantic partner, “kindness” and “honesty” routinely come in at the very top of the list, for women and men alike. People want a partner who treats them well.

The more you strive to be a kind and considerate to your partner each day, the better your sex life will be.

Being kind to each other will help keep your relationship in a good place, and that’s key because relationship problems are one of the biggest factors that get in the way of an active and satisfying sex life.

Of course, you also have to make sure you’re not just trying to be nice only to get what you want. Remember that people also want partners who are honest, which means that authenticity is key.

Talk Dirty

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Although there are always exceptions, most women are more turned on by words than visual cues. Guys often are the exact opposite though.

Men tend to be extremely visual, explaining why they’re easily aroused by images of beautiful women or the mere sight of one in real life. In other words, physical attractiveness matters a lot to men.

Physical appearance is important to women too. 

Having said that, they tend to gravitate to the emotional side of intimacy. That’s why you’re more likely to find them reading love stories rather than ‘ogling’ over photos of handsome men with no shirt on.

Men are way more caught up in the physical ‘mechanics’ of sex. For women, it’s often the broader experience of feeling valued and loved that holds more weight.

Keeping these stark differences in mind can lead to much better sex. After all, approaching sex only from the perspective of what turns you on will leave you mostly blind to what turnsher on.

Use your words to compliment her. Talk up her talents, accomplishments and beauty.

For the best results, provide positive affirmation inside and outside the bedroom. 

If you only compliment your girl during intimacy, she may start to wonder if the only thing you appreciate about her is the sex.

Use a Delay Spray

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If you regularly come sooner than your partner, that can potentially turn into a frustrating problem, especially if it routinely signals the end of sex for both of you.

The longer this problem persists, the more damage it can do to your relationship. It’s possible that your significant other could even lose the desire for sex with you if a solution isn’t reached because their needs aren’t being met.

One way to get better in bed is, therefore, to try and last long enough to make sure that your partner also orgasms.

One of the most effective ways to address this issue is by using a delay spray like Promescent.This product is designed to let you hold out long enough to please your partner, and research shows that it does indeed work.

At the same time, you’ll still both thoroughly enjoy the sexual experience—the difference is that your lovemaking sessions will last longer.

Celebrate What You Have Instead of Comparing Your Relationship to Others

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It’s a basic part of human nature to compare yourself to others. Social psychologists have found that this is how we come to understand and evaluate ourselves—in fact, it’s the basis for how we generate self-esteem.

However, we don’t just compare ourselves to others—we compare our relationships to others, too.

While these comparisons can potentially make us feel better about ourselves and our relationships, they can also make us feel worse.

The danger is that when you start to look at relationships besides yours, such as those of your friends or the relationships you see depicted in the media, it can be tempting to use them as a yardstick to judge whether your sexual and romantic life is a success.

In fact, research shows that the more we compare our relationships to others, the less good we tend to feel about our own.

Such comparisons can lead us to question,“Am I in the best relationship I can be, or could I do better?”

Of course, you don’t want to settle for a relationship. But at the same time, you’ll never fully enjoy what you have unless you’re content with it. Until the comparison game stops, you may find that your partner, your relationship, and your sex life will always seem to be ‘less than’.

Constant comparison can rob us of contentment. Don’t give in to ‘the grass is greener syndrome’ when it comes to sex and relationships.

Make your own 'grass' green instead of constantly looking over the fence.

Experiment with Foreplay

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There are several obvious pleasure points on the human body—however, you may not have discovered all of your partner’s (and your own) pleasure points yet.

Men and women have numerous erogenous zones on their bodies, and they aren’t all below the waist.

For example, some people are majorly turned on when the back of their neck is massaged or caressed. For others, having their ears nibbled or licked can drive them wild. Then there’s the lower back, the back of the knee—the list goes on and on.

Women are all unique in their sexuality as highlighted by one study.

Some women can even reach orgasm simply by having their nipples stimulated. So while it’s easy to assume that all pleasure points exist between the legs, that just isn’t accurate.

Explore your partner and be willing to find new pleasure points. Both of you will be glad that you did.

Obviously, keep paying special attention to her personal requests and special interests. For example, many women have stronger orgasms when clitoral stimulation is involved, while others find internal stimulation of the area referred to as the “G-spot” to be highly erotic.

There are many ways to help your partner work up to orgasm and to reach her peak. The best way to find out what works for your partner is to talk about it and try new things.

Avoid Getting Defensive When Sex is Disappointing

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Regardless of how great you and your partner are at sex, there will always be moments of frustration in any sexual relationship.

For example, sometimes one of you will want sex when the other doesn’t, such as when one partner is sick, dealing with work stressors, or just isn’t in the mood.

Sexual desire is complicated and is affected by a lot of different factors, and it’s important to be sensitive and understanding of this fact. Just because you’re in the mood and your partner isn’t (or vice versa), this does not mean that your relationship is broken or that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore.

Unless this becomes a recurring problem, don’t take it personally.

In any good relationship, there will be times when one partner puts the other partner’s need ahead of their own. This is actually healthy, with research showing that partners who do this tend to have better quality relationships.

What this means is that you shouldn’t get angry or defensive if you’re comfortable with something in bed but your partner isn't (or the other way around).

Becoming upset now is only going to make sex tougher later on. So take a step back and put things in perspective—and don’t pick a fight in the heat of the moment.

Approach sexual disagreements from a solution-oriented mindset. There is a solution to any sexual problem, but blaming your partner or getting upset won’t bring you any closer to that solution.

For this reason, work together to come up with a resolution you’re both happy with, and recognize that (there needs to be some compromise involved).

Remember Sex is More Than What Happens in the Bedroom

This one, more than most, can be tough for guys to comprehend.

Guys can argue with their girlfriend or wife and have major relationship tension and still want sex. Ladies mostly don’t work that way.

Men are generally good at separating sex from the rest of the relationship. Women, being the relational creatures they are, see the relationship as a whole.

Although it can be counter-intuitive to many men, a mindset shift is necessary for better sex.

You may never experientially understand why your partner takes this stance, but you still have to believe it’s real and nurture it.

If you stop and think about it, the woman’s view often makes more sense. 

She wants to feel safe all the way around in the relationship before taking part in the most vulnerable aspect of the relationship (sex).

Think of sex as the roof on the ‘house’ of your relationship. If you only focus on having the perfect ‘roof’, that’s the surest way to have problems. What about a solid foundation and walls, for instance?

In the long run, the roof won’t matter much if other aspects aren’t stable. The best sex has a solid foundation and structure to support its roof.

Without nurturing all aspects of your relationship first, it’ll be difficult to consistently have great sex.

Of course, having said that, sometimes sex can be used as the vehicle to smooth over disagreements too. 

Most guys are all about make-up sex!

Cuddle and Show Affection After Sex

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Is sex really over once you and your partner reach climax? A lot of guys go through life thinking it is.

However, if you go in with this mindset, you’ll miss out on an important aspect of sex: aftercare. It turns out that what you do after sex matters just as much as what you do during sex.

Affection and intimacy afterward are a great way to bond and express intimacy, demonstrating that sex is something special that you do together. And it definitely brings people closer.

Research shows that couples that spoon, cuddle, or otherwise show affection after sex tend to be more satisfied with their relationships and sex lives in the long run.

So if you can make after sex affection a habit, your relationship will probably end up in a stronger place. And when your bond is stronger, the sex will get even better.

Takeaways

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In summary, learning to be better in bed does not happen overnight. However, if approached in the right way, it can make your intimate life so much more fulfilling.

It takes constant learning--along with some trial and error—in order to succeed. And what works one day may not work so well the next. Also, you may need to adjust and try new strategies over the course of a long-term relationship because we all change and evolve over time.

Sexual compatibility isn’t something that just happens—you need to work on staying compatible.

The willingness to get better in bed is the first step, but the rest is downhill from there.

The most effective sexual improvement strategies involve multiple methods working together in unison, with an emphasis on building intimate communication, resetting your expectations, and being up for trying new things. 

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Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He is author of the blog Sex and Psychology and the popular book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. He is also a prolific researcher who has published more than 50 academic works, including a textbook titled The Psychology of Human Sexuality that is used in college classrooms around the world. Dr. Lehmiller is one of the media's go-to experts on sex and has been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and CNN; he has also appeared on dozens of radio, podcast, and television programs.


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